Celebrating the Us We All Will Become

As my 3 year old grandson likes to say, we have “a big problem” in America. We are living longer but we’re uncomfortable with old age. When given the option, we often put our aging elderly in facilities and special programs where our old people essentially become someone else’s problem. We know that it is better for everyone when our older citizens stay in their homes and communities and live independently—“ aging in place” –for as long as they can. They stay healthier and happier longer. And we have the benefit of their wisdom to enrich our communities and our lives. We used to have extended family networks, small towns and tight knit neighborhoods to support this possibility but now we must create new social infrastructure to help our seniors stay put for as long as they can in safety and with dignity.

Organizations are sprouting up around the country to do this. Northwest Neighbors Connecting founded in Baltimore in 2012 works on the Village Model (89 exist in this country and 123 are under development). It focuses on the needs and strengths of its members so that all members are connected through relationships in community. Members across generations drive, mentor, do errands, coach, tell stories and engage in essential activities with one another. Risyl Edelman, their new director wrote this beautiful reflection to share with the NNC community after the death of her husband’s grandmother last week. Her grandmother had the great fortune to have a remarkable family support system. Most of us can’t rely on that as we age, but I imagine that most of us would like to experience a version of what Risyl describes as our end of life experience.

“My husband’s grandmother – Ruth Edelman – died in her own home at the age of 98. In the last five years, beginning with the frequent falls of her husband of 76 years, and slow rise of dementia, her husband – Marvin Edelman was cared for daily by Rhoda Blackwood and her care-giving service. When Grandpa Marvin passed two and a half years ago, Rhoda remained in place to care for Grandma Ruth, who missed her husband’s funeral due to a fall of her own – and was recovering in Levindale with a fractured hip.

Rhoda and her family and occasional staff never missed a day of care in the last five years. I know my in-laws are BEYOND grateful to them and will sing Rhoda’s praises to anyone who will listen. They encouraged me to invite Rhoda to join NNC’s board, insisting that she is on the front lines of the aging in place challenge.

It has been inspirational to say the least for me to watch my in-laws care for Grandma Ruth. Senior citizens themselves – (they should be well) – they have been there consistently to love, support and provide care in ways that I can only HOPE I will one day be able to aspire to. The fact that my father in law is a physician was very handy as the physical needs of his parents became more and more demanding…

Grandma Ruth’s soul was escorted out of her home last night in the presence of her son and daughter in law, two grandsons and their wives, 9 great grandchildren – plus 3 of THEIR spouses, a close family friend, along with Rhoda and her cousin Paulette. It is a source of great comfort to know the love and closeness of the family – and I feel good that I brought three of her great, great grandchildren to visit her on Sunday.

May we all find comfort in our relationships and continue to value our connections.”

May all of us know the blessing of long life and the privilege of sharing it with people we love to the very end. May we also learn truly to celebrate the us we all will become.



Northwest Neighbors Connecting

Carrying the Flag

This morning, a friend of mine sent me this you tube video which features three women, Carmen, Elaine and Joanne in Freeport, Maine who started something in response to 9/11 and haven’t stopped since. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV4CF2kuDCo

Freedom’s Feast started too in the immediate aftermath of 9/11. Just like these women, I felt the need to do something to help rebuild the spirit of our country, to reaffirm our essential purpose and values and pass on vital lessons to our next generation of citizens. With the help of many wonderful advisors and institutional partners, we haven’t stopped since.

When these wonderful Freeport citizens took the flag in person to the street of their community, they made a powerful statement. “We stand with you and this symbol of what our country represents.” When the "Freeport Flag Ladies" decided to come back the next week and the week after that and the months and years after that, they said something even more profound: “Our commitment as citizens is unassailable. It endures regardless of weather, illness, inconvenience.” They’ve carried that message to schools, churches,community centers, airports—wherever Americans gathered and needed that inspiration.

I don’t know what their personal politics are and don’t want to know. These women come from Maine and are likely fiercely independent. What I admire is their commitment, determination and decision to do something that they thought would make a difference at a time when they believed something needed to be done.

On this Independence Day 2013, I'd like to celebrate that about us. We follow a long and honorable tradition of ordinary citizens seeing what needs to be done and doing it. We pick up the flag and we carry it.

Carrying the Flag

This morning, a friend of mine sent me this you tube video which features three women, Carmen, Joanne and Elaine from Freeport, Maine who started something in response to 9/11 and haven’t stopped since.

Freedom’s Feast started too in the immediate aftermath of 9/11. Just like these women, I felt the need to do something to help rebuild the spirit of our country, to reaffirm our essential purpose and values and pass on vital lessons to our next generation of citizens. With the help of many wonderful advisors and institutional partners, we haven’t stopped since.

When these wonderful Freeport citizens took the flag in person to the street of their community, they made a powerful statement. “We stand with you and this symbol of what our country represents.” When they decided to come back the next week and the week after that and the months and years after that, they said something even more profound: “Our commitment as citizens is unassailable. It endures regardless of weather, illness, inconvenience.” They’ve carried that message to schools, churches, community groups, airports—wherever Americans gathered and needed that inspiration.

I don’t know what their personal politics are and don’t want to know. These women come from Maine and are likely fiercely independent. What I admire about "the Flag Ladies of Freeport" is their commitment, determination and decision to do something that they thought would make a difference at a time when they believed something needed to be done.

On this Independence Day 2013, I'd like to celebrate that about us. We follow a long and honorable tradition of seeing what needs to be done and doing it. From our founding to now, ordinary citizens pick up the flag and we carry it.

The Buck Stops Here

I just deleted the latest of maybe 30 promotional emails from the past three days urging me to take advantage of Presidents’ Day sales events. That doesn’t count the 30 to 40 that came in during the past week and the bunches of fliers that arrived in the mail. (I keep cancelling—they keep sending.) We all love a good bargain and it got me thinking. How much money will Americans actually spend over the Presidents’ Day holiday? I can’t find a good estimate but every retailer seems really interested in getting us to come through their real and virtual doors.

Most of us won’t even use cash but if we do, it’s a great opportunity to remember the reason why we’re out there spending money in the first place. It’s Presidents’ Day! When congress chose to set aside the third Monday in each February for this holiday, they reaffirmed the holiday for Washington but unofficially split the difference and marked the birthdays of two of our greatest presidents—Washington and Lincoln.

George Washington, our first president, born on February 22, is featured on quarters, every $1 dollar bill and on the new Presidential gold dollar series. Lincoln, born on February 12, is featured on pennies, the $5 dollar bill and also on the new Presidential gold dollar series. By 2010, 23 presidents were featured on our currency. In each year since, another four are added through the Presidential Gold dollar series which adds four more deceased presidents to the series in each year through 2015. Mint policy requires that currency features only deceased individuals although we have honored historical figures other than presidents.

Still it seems fitting while we’re out snagging bargains to consider the day and its purpose. Who were these men? What did they mean to us and our country? I have my own answers which change a little every year as I change and my perspective on our country changes. Washington was our wealthiest president by all measures but he swore off the trappings of privilege in office and rode a simple coach all the way to his inaugural celebration. At a time when leaders of nations were still anointed royalty, he set the tone for presidential conduct modeling humility, dignity, transparency and intelligence. I love that his visage graces our $1 bill, the anchor of our enterprise system.

Lincoln was the consummate politician tempered by compassion, tested by his own personal tragedies, witty and wise. Determined and wily, he used all of his political and social capital to pass the 13th amendment to abolish slavery because he did not think a better time would come again even though it might cost him his life. How fitting that this self-taught lawyer from the back-woods of Illinois adorns our simple penny.

What other presidents deserve our attention and praise on this day? What do they teach us that we want to teach our children to celebrate? Lay out some bills and coins on the dining room table and say,” Look who’s come to dinner!” or start with the sign that sat on Harry Truman’s desk: “The buck stops here.” That will definitely get their attention. Happy Presidents’ Day!

Babies and Big Brothers: two year old greetings for a new sister

“I just want to see my sister!” proclaimed Roy, my two year old grandson, when he learned yesterday morning that his mom,Natalie, had gone to the hospital to give birth to his baby sister. I explained that he would see her later that day. I had his backpack, snack, and instructions for delivering him to his pre-school program, but some other instinct made me dawdle as we fixed his breakfast and my morning tea. By the time we’d completed 3rd breakfast (he’s tiny as a Hobbit but has not yet read either Tolkien or Mann’s "Magic Mountain") school opening was past and his dad called to share the news that his sister had arrived. Arrived is a genteel word for it. They pulled into the hospital parking lot at 8:08 am and she was born at 8:29 am. This baby wanted to be born. And her older brother, insistent once more, declared, “I want to see her! I need to see her.” How many times does a brother get to see her sister on her first day of life? Pre-school could definitely wait.

Once we arrived at the hospital, Roy kept up a steady stream of chatter. “Is that big red building the hospital? Is that where my mommy and baby sister are? Can we take an escalator to go see them?” Yes, yes and no. He was elated to see his mommy whom he’d last seen 7 hours before but instantly dismayed to learn that his sister was still in the nursery. The nurse was bringing her to us shortly. “But this is not the right room! This is wrong. I have to find my sister!” and burst into tears. “I want to see her."

I reached for his hand. “Let’s go find your sister, Roy. We need to go look for the nursery. OK, daddy?” We quickly became an entourage—Roy, daddy and four grandparents in tow. The two sets of grandparents immediately hugged and kissed each other and exchanged a “Mazel tov” upon arrival at the hospital . There is no greater blessing, few things better to celebrate than a new grandchild in the world. We were able to divert Roy’s escalator disappointment with a brief tour of the build a bear shop while waiting for our visitor’s badges a second time (at this hospital you don’t get on the labor or maternity ward without surrendering an identity card in exchange for a temporary badge). And after two more turns, we were suddenly staring through the gridded glass trying to locate our baby who was RIGHT there parked in front of our faces. As we pointed to this delicate creature with rosy pink coloring and pursed lips just like her brother’s, Roy squealed, “There she is, there’s my sister! Why, she’s a little baby.“ And then without a beat, making his first naked calculation as a sibling from the midst of toddler-hood, he proclaimed,“I want to be a baby.”
Alex patiently responded, “You once were a baby, just like Alana. In this same hospital. But now you’re bigger. Big enough to be a big brother.”
“She’s such a little baby.” (Maybe I’ll have to cede some ground here). “I want to be the big brother. Why is she wearing that little pink hat?” And off we went on a discussion of babies, thermal heat loss and how tiny they are.

He returned to give his mommy a good bye kiss before leaving and as I buckled him into his car-seat for the ride back home he said, “I saw my baby sister at the hospital. I'm so happy.That was a good adventure.” (We refer to all of our outings as adventures) “Right, Gromzy?” Oh, baby, you have no idea. The adventure has just begun. But if this first day is any indication, Alana Lenore is very lucky to have Roy as her big brother. He taught a group of adults to stop waiting for the most important blessing in our lives and to go see it for ourselves rather than settle for digital substitutes and wait. Some things in life are just too special to wait for.

I wonder how many of us have stories that celebrate us and the way our siblings greeted our arrival into the world? And if we don’t, shouldn't we try to get them?

A Refrigerator Full of Memories

We are halfway through the Thanksgiving weekend and I am grateful for a refrigerator full of leftovers. Even after sending my daughter, Lindsay, back to New York with food for her annual Sunday “Friendsgiving” gathering, my partner, Rich, and I can still do replays over the next few days. Sure, it may get a little boring but it’s not the food that matters; it’s the memories attached to making and sharing the Thanksgiving meal together with family and new friends.

Shut my eyes, and there’s my grand-nephew, Zach, nearly wriggling out of his skin with excitement because I asked him to introduce our meal with his 1st grade class story of Squanto. He taught us how Squanto learned the English he needed to teach the pilgrims their life saving skills in the new world. Kind monks saved Squanto from Spaniards who had sold him into slavery in the old world and he subsequently ended up in England before returning to his Native American homeland. While we caught up with each other over appetizers before our feast, those who wanted to made gratitude plates.

It was easy to set up a crafts table with heavy duty paper plates, magazines, permanent markers, glue guns, scissors and a box full of embellishments. I didn’t how people would choose to express their gratitude, but I was delighted to see how readily they dove into the project. One guest came near the table and said, “I can’t do this. I’m not an artist!” A few plate-makers immediately responded, “Neither are we, but this is fun. You should try it!” And she did. A few chose to share what they’d made when I asked for volunteers. Four year old Millie explained that her plate featured the Lorax “because this is my favorite book,” and dogs, “because I love all my doggies.” My niece, Lyn, created a plate that spoke to her gratitude for living in a country that protects women’s rights and has given her so many powerful women role models to emulate. Our guest, Tyler, featured Woody Allen at the center of his plate because he is grateful for the brilliance of Woody Allen. The range of expressions varied as widely as the people in the room which is so American.

Others had written six word memoirs inspired by Larry Smith’s brilliant six word memoirs site.Tyler understood right away that Hemingway, the writer known for his terse prose, must have inspired Smith when he wrote his shortest novel ever: “Baby shoes for sale. Never used.” Lindsay and I had gone online earlier that morning and cherry picked eight of our favorite Thanksgiving memoirs to give our guests samples for inspiration. My dad, at 85, left everyone laughing with his: “I’m with it. I get it.” And he does. Sometimes his penetrating questions and detailed recollections leave some of us wishing we were as sharp at half his age.

We laughed, created,reflected and then once again feasted on Rich’s amazing fried turkey now augmented by a smoked alternative, the new favorite, and the array of dishes contributed by each family. So even though this has been a tough year of a hard surgery gone bad for me, when I open the fridge I smile. I survey the shelves, celebrate us again and pray that all over the country—no matter what our circumstances—all of my fellow Americans found something to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving.

Voting Lessons

A few weeks ago, an educator friend wrote to me in desperation. “I can’t find any good resources for teaching young kids about the voting process.” She didn’t want a text book. She wanted great exercises that she could adapt to her kindergarten classroom and share with other teachers in her primary school program. I didn’t believe that, especially in an election year, there was nothing out there. But I soon had to agree with her. It was really hard to find “good resources.”

After some digging around I sent her to The Center for Civics Education which has been creating substantive civics materials for promoting healthy democracy since 1964. I also suggested The Constitution Center in Philadelphia which brings the meaning of our foundational documents to life although their lessons were targeted to an older audience. Family activities that appeared to be quite engaging weren’t loaded onto the site each time we tried to access them. And finally, I suggested that she take a look at this lesson plan posted on the Scholastic site. I thought a talented educator could adapt it for bright, younger students.

Most of the other material I found came packaged with political agendas that tainted what was often a decent intention: democracies must engage their youngest members early in order to create good citizens. But the key idea is engagement, not brainwashing.

My plea today is please vote if you have not already done so. Share that fact with your children if you have children of voting age and urge them to vote too. If your children are young, take them with you to the polls. Let them see how important this privilege and responsibility is. Share stories about voting with them. I remember going with my Mom to vote when I was a kid. I never forgot the moment of solemnity when I stepped into the voting booth with her and she pulled the lever closing the curtains behind us to protect the privacy and importance of her choices. The long line of voters told me that every adult there valued the same thing. Tell your children what is happening all around the world as people fight and die for the right to vote and remind them that a long time ago, we too fought for the right to be independent and free so that each of one of us could have a voice in our own government.

Citizenship should be taught in our schools, but it must be taught in our homes. We the people are responsible for our country—no one else.